Learning the hard way...

There are a lot of excellent resources that tell you why the loss of control takes us from the path of withdrawal to elation. Losing the sense of being in control (because it really is just a sensation) reveals what is behind the curtain of ourselves. As we know academically, and with some work, practically, the only thing we control is how we perceive our own experiences. What happens when the curtain of control comes down? Who are we in the times when the loss of control in our world starts a downward spiral? A recent chain of events showed me some very real evidence and, while it is probably my most personal post to date, I found it was the only way I could convey these thoughts around this subject. You see, I have been of the mind that I am on a very important self discovery journey in which I was going to let the illusion of control go, and I was going to reveal my true self. This has actually worked for a period of many months, where my mind over matter philosophy has prevailed in every way possible. I was asking the universe for whatever I wanted, and she was doing an excellent job of providing. The positivity was flowing and I was feeling like a guru: ecstatic, silent, non -judgmental and very powerful.



Things did not come crashing down right away, but became more of a gentle spiral in a direction in which I had not planned for my journey (control issues- check). At first, I was high off of my loss of control, abandoning all the conventional wisdom of security that had previously been holding me back. When the glow started to wear off, and the glow only wore off because I resumed listening to my old self, it got very dull indeed. How genuine had my transformation been, I asked myself, if I was going to have my old reactions to the new events in my life? My self judgment grew into more judgment that ultimately began to consume my thoughts. The more I gave myself a hard time the faster the spiral started to go. I could slow the spiral down but I could no longer seem to reverse the direction. All of a sudden, I could not seem to find my peaceful place even though the solution was so obvious. How could I find my isle of peace in this immense sea of judgment? The less things seemed to "go my way" the harder I was on myself, all to frighteningly reminding me of how hard I had worked myself in the past- and reversing all the work I had done to increase my consciousness and awareness over the past year. This self-punishing style had not served me well before, but I was somehow fighting the simple solution of self love and acceptance that I absolutely knew would serve me best. This conflict was silently rising within me. Then something happened that really showed me in a very physical way what was manifesting in my mind. I went on a road trip for 3 weeks, leaving my sanctuary of home to stay in a different city every two nights. While it was immensely fun, I uprooted myself in a very real way. While I was gone, my landlord was uprooting our apartment, breaking earth to build onto the home. When I returned , something felt different. My quiet sanctuary felt a little too quiet, and I felt like a stranger in my home for days. The excitement of the trip wore off, and the uncertainty of things I had left unsettled began unsettling my mind. Then one morning as I was cleaning off my kitchen counter, I came across trails of a visitor that was all too non-human. I lost my facade of calm and my inner conflict came tumbling out- I felt myself crumble inside and out, and I took it incredibly personal. I was not clean enough (which I know I am), I was irresponsible to leave (which I knew I was not), and I deserved this because... well...why did I deserve this? For a week, I cracked under the pressure of the unknown visitor, silently stalking me at night, so fearful of one another that our paths never crossed. I was no longer handling crises with aplomb that I had long ago established was "my thing". I am strong, and resolute, and now I was a mess because I have...and then I cannot say it because saying it out loud will confirm it. It will confirm my downward spiral, culminating in my worst nightmare coming true.

I send out kind, loving mental messages to my unwanted visitor. At first, I do not want to harm him (yes, it is a he) and think I will use my mind to create a boundary around my home. I think this may work, and I feel like I can have a win-win (so like me, a pleaser to the core)...me and my visitor getting what we both want (I assume a life in which I can resume walking through my house at night and my visitor gets to return to his hole in the ground). Coincidentally, I also inherit a human visitor the same morning and share with my friend my quandary and strategy (my friend is not phased by my other visitor and gives me my first clue that I may perhaps be taking this a little too hard). She then recounts a story of a Buddhist monastery that was having multiple visitors of a different breed, and how because they are Buddhist monks and deeply believe in reincarnation, they allow these multiple visitors of a different breed to coexist while they prayed and meditated for their safe and speedy departure. Well, she informs me that this does not work, not sure why, and they discover their monastery will be condemned if they do not refuse their visitors a "work permit". Deciding that should they be condemned, the building will just go to someone else who will have no issues of exterminating the problem, the Buddhists make the decision to deny access, with the reason that if they close down, they will not be able to help people who come to them, and that their overall purpose is enough to take more drastic measures. I have already decided halfway through this story that I am no match for a group of monks in meditation, and I go to Plan B, which is to take the least invasive action and hope my visitor will get the message. In conjunction with a little help from my friends at the hardware store, I tell my visitor that this place is no longer safe, and that he has to stay away for his own good. In these beginning stages, I am hoping and praying that it does not come to a showdown, but this game of cat and mouse weakens my resolve and sends me deeper into my spiral. By day 5 I have started to see that it is going to be me or the visitor, as I pack my bags and make even better friends with the men at the hardware store. You see, like the monks I realize that if I am condemned, I can be of no service to others. And then it hits me, it hits me hard and fast, that this visitor is an externalization of my own fears in my head, a living representation of my worst nightmare- a complete loss of control, loss of my sanctuary, and loss of peace of mind. The anxiety of the uknown is paralyzing me in a way I have never thought possible for this mover and shaker, my path unclear, my mind dark with possibilities. As I realize my unwanted mental visitors have manifested in my physical unwanted visitor, I begin to answer the question I always ask myself these days- where is the opportunity in this situation? (I am not lying- this was a very hard one to answer). If you ask this question, I believe you will find an answer worth discovering, and better to know now than repeat the lesson later. And this is really, really a lesson I do not want to have again. Even though I find it easier to fall back into my pattern of panic when things are not quite going my way, and I can assure you this is so far from my way I will need a GPS to get me back, I find the answer continues to be as simple as it always is: my physical world will follow wherever my mind takes it. Fear will beget fear, and if I am so lucky, peace will beget peace. As I am learning this lesson, I find that while my reactions have not really changed (life still gets the best of me despite my highest hopes) I remind myself that there is a lesson here. Even as I set the traps for my unwanted visitor, I must instill the same red flags for my unwanted thoughts- one will not do without the other. I will take this lesson with me: that while I have lost the illusion of control of my sanctuary, it is in my power to harness my thoughts and examine my perceived fears, which may, if I play my mental cards right, take care of my other visitor as well.

Today I ask: what unwanted thoughts may be creating an unwanted physical manifestation in your life?