Cleaning Out the Closet of My Mind

Ever since my last blog, I have felt the veil of confusion slip away. In its place is a wonderful reminder of awareness: that I can choose to participate in any reality I can imagine. We always have this awareness, but so often it is obscured by the fear and anxiety in our lives. It takes a lot of work and focus to come back to this place of calm and wonder, but we are, each and every one of us, quite resilient. In honor of this lesson, I decided to pack up my bags and move back home, and face my (hopefully) tiny visitor head on. If we were meant to meet, so be it. Somehow, I knew in my heart that the choice to confront my situation would be enough to overcome it. Wouldn't you know, I am visitor free since I moved back and whenever I feel anxiety that he (or she) will return, I gently move the negative thoughts out of my mind, like a cloud gently changing shape right before my eyes.
This newfound courage to call the bluff on my fears also meant I wanted to feel a part of my home again (instead of the castaway I had chosen to become. I took the opportunity to move furniture into new places and conquered some long overdue spring cleaning. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the loss of my sanctuary, I am now excited to wake up in the morning and feel the new energy flow through my space. What a way to turn the situation around!
Awareness is the keystone in our lives, connecting parts that would otherwise not fit and making them a part of the whole. Always keep in the forefront of your mind that the more you focus on what you do not want, the likelier it will focus on you. In co-creating your reality, it is of infinite importance to concentrate and communicate to the universe only the message that you want heeded. Like a game of telephone, the words and meaning can quickly take you far from the place you intend to go. Be simple, be affirmative, and be specific with your requests.

Learning the hard way...

There are a lot of excellent resources that tell you why the loss of control takes us from the path of withdrawal to elation. Losing the sense of being in control (because it really is just a sensation) reveals what is behind the curtain of ourselves. As we know academically, and with some work, practically, the only thing we control is how we perceive our own experiences. What happens when the curtain of control comes down? Who are we in the times when the loss of control in our world starts a downward spiral? A recent chain of events showed me some very real evidence and, while it is probably my most personal post to date, I found it was the only way I could convey these thoughts around this subject. You see, I have been of the mind that I am on a very important self discovery journey in which I was going to let the illusion of control go, and I was going to reveal my true self. This has actually worked for a period of many months, where my mind over matter philosophy has prevailed in every way possible. I was asking the universe for whatever I wanted, and she was doing an excellent job of providing. The positivity was flowing and I was feeling like a guru: ecstatic, silent, non -judgmental and very powerful.



Things did not come crashing down right away, but became more of a gentle spiral in a direction in which I had not planned for my journey (control issues- check). At first, I was high off of my loss of control, abandoning all the conventional wisdom of security that had previously been holding me back. When the glow started to wear off, and the glow only wore off because I resumed listening to my old self, it got very dull indeed. How genuine had my transformation been, I asked myself, if I was going to have my old reactions to the new events in my life? My self judgment grew into more judgment that ultimately began to consume my thoughts. The more I gave myself a hard time the faster the spiral started to go. I could slow the spiral down but I could no longer seem to reverse the direction. All of a sudden, I could not seem to find my peaceful place even though the solution was so obvious. How could I find my isle of peace in this immense sea of judgment? The less things seemed to "go my way" the harder I was on myself, all to frighteningly reminding me of how hard I had worked myself in the past- and reversing all the work I had done to increase my consciousness and awareness over the past year. This self-punishing style had not served me well before, but I was somehow fighting the simple solution of self love and acceptance that I absolutely knew would serve me best. This conflict was silently rising within me. Then something happened that really showed me in a very physical way what was manifesting in my mind. I went on a road trip for 3 weeks, leaving my sanctuary of home to stay in a different city every two nights. While it was immensely fun, I uprooted myself in a very real way. While I was gone, my landlord was uprooting our apartment, breaking earth to build onto the home. When I returned , something felt different. My quiet sanctuary felt a little too quiet, and I felt like a stranger in my home for days. The excitement of the trip wore off, and the uncertainty of things I had left unsettled began unsettling my mind. Then one morning as I was cleaning off my kitchen counter, I came across trails of a visitor that was all too non-human. I lost my facade of calm and my inner conflict came tumbling out- I felt myself crumble inside and out, and I took it incredibly personal. I was not clean enough (which I know I am), I was irresponsible to leave (which I knew I was not), and I deserved this because... well...why did I deserve this? For a week, I cracked under the pressure of the unknown visitor, silently stalking me at night, so fearful of one another that our paths never crossed. I was no longer handling crises with aplomb that I had long ago established was "my thing". I am strong, and resolute, and now I was a mess because I have...and then I cannot say it because saying it out loud will confirm it. It will confirm my downward spiral, culminating in my worst nightmare coming true.

I send out kind, loving mental messages to my unwanted visitor. At first, I do not want to harm him (yes, it is a he) and think I will use my mind to create a boundary around my home. I think this may work, and I feel like I can have a win-win (so like me, a pleaser to the core)...me and my visitor getting what we both want (I assume a life in which I can resume walking through my house at night and my visitor gets to return to his hole in the ground). Coincidentally, I also inherit a human visitor the same morning and share with my friend my quandary and strategy (my friend is not phased by my other visitor and gives me my first clue that I may perhaps be taking this a little too hard). She then recounts a story of a Buddhist monastery that was having multiple visitors of a different breed, and how because they are Buddhist monks and deeply believe in reincarnation, they allow these multiple visitors of a different breed to coexist while they prayed and meditated for their safe and speedy departure. Well, she informs me that this does not work, not sure why, and they discover their monastery will be condemned if they do not refuse their visitors a "work permit". Deciding that should they be condemned, the building will just go to someone else who will have no issues of exterminating the problem, the Buddhists make the decision to deny access, with the reason that if they close down, they will not be able to help people who come to them, and that their overall purpose is enough to take more drastic measures. I have already decided halfway through this story that I am no match for a group of monks in meditation, and I go to Plan B, which is to take the least invasive action and hope my visitor will get the message. In conjunction with a little help from my friends at the hardware store, I tell my visitor that this place is no longer safe, and that he has to stay away for his own good. In these beginning stages, I am hoping and praying that it does not come to a showdown, but this game of cat and mouse weakens my resolve and sends me deeper into my spiral. By day 5 I have started to see that it is going to be me or the visitor, as I pack my bags and make even better friends with the men at the hardware store. You see, like the monks I realize that if I am condemned, I can be of no service to others. And then it hits me, it hits me hard and fast, that this visitor is an externalization of my own fears in my head, a living representation of my worst nightmare- a complete loss of control, loss of my sanctuary, and loss of peace of mind. The anxiety of the uknown is paralyzing me in a way I have never thought possible for this mover and shaker, my path unclear, my mind dark with possibilities. As I realize my unwanted mental visitors have manifested in my physical unwanted visitor, I begin to answer the question I always ask myself these days- where is the opportunity in this situation? (I am not lying- this was a very hard one to answer). If you ask this question, I believe you will find an answer worth discovering, and better to know now than repeat the lesson later. And this is really, really a lesson I do not want to have again. Even though I find it easier to fall back into my pattern of panic when things are not quite going my way, and I can assure you this is so far from my way I will need a GPS to get me back, I find the answer continues to be as simple as it always is: my physical world will follow wherever my mind takes it. Fear will beget fear, and if I am so lucky, peace will beget peace. As I am learning this lesson, I find that while my reactions have not really changed (life still gets the best of me despite my highest hopes) I remind myself that there is a lesson here. Even as I set the traps for my unwanted visitor, I must instill the same red flags for my unwanted thoughts- one will not do without the other. I will take this lesson with me: that while I have lost the illusion of control of my sanctuary, it is in my power to harness my thoughts and examine my perceived fears, which may, if I play my mental cards right, take care of my other visitor as well.

Today I ask: what unwanted thoughts may be creating an unwanted physical manifestation in your life?

Judgment Day

We have talked about change before, but it's really a topic that deserves some true exploration and one I can see musing about often (fair warning!). You see, change is something that intrinsically feels like it has to happen around us in order for our true selves to flourish. Even when we believe we are changing ourselves, we often change our habits (eating less) or engage in new ones (exercise more) in order to drive results. We change the action, and often times, the physical result does look different. But how does it make us feel? We can change the way we look and how we present ourselves to the world, but who are we on the day when that some one or some circumstance does not honor the change? Who are we when we look and feel our best, but we do not get the response we were hoping for? What do we do when we prepare for a big moment, only to fall short in other people's eyes? If the answer is not a whole hearted affirmation for our choice, then we are stagnant in our journey. It does not matter if we move forward, sideways or backwards, as long as we are moving. This is the change from the inside- the one that happens in our own lens of the world, the acceptance of ourselves and the realization that what other people think of us, even to the smallest degree, will always put an obstacle in our path. Removing obstacles is much easier than mining through the friends we have, paring down our activities and limiting our interaction with emotionally draining people or experiences. While all of these things can and will provide temporary relief to engage ourselves more fully in ourselves, they are just illusions of the change we need to fulfill within our true hearts. When the changes we make to the outside world affect how the outside world views us, it can influence how we feel about our own journey. But revolutionary metamorphasis occurs when we put on our blinders to the people around us- because we cannot and will never be able to control their reactions to us. We could always try and liken ourselves in each moment to tailor to the person or experience with which we are dealing (and how often we do!) but the truth is that this behavior is exhausting work and takes up too much of our energy! It also masks our true nature in a very skilled social dance that we have been practicing our whole lives. We often cage our identity in a very neat package and show that side to the world very strategically, but we all have our dark side of the moon. It is in bringing out that side to ourselves, for ourselves, and embrace the light and the dark of ourselves, that we no longer spend all the energy to hide our secret shame and guilt, or simply our uniqueness, our gifts, for fear of the judgment that tags along for the ride. The harshest judgment comes from that which we label upon ourselves, and that fear translates effortlessly into our existence, starkly mirroring back to us all that we fear in ourselves. Let your journey take you to those places that you have kept hidden and allow the full reveal, as you may find that this release is enough to be the change in yourself that has been deflected in the struggle to change others perceptions of you. Notice that which you judge in others, and see how harshly you are really judging yourself. No change is greater or more fulfilling than the one in which you remove the fear and judgment of ourselves from the equation. If you are full of acceptance, it will never matter if someone does not approve of your choices or tries to knock you off your path. When you realize that they too are on the journey of removing the lens of judgment from themselves, you will finally understand, to begin with, it was never about you at all.

Today I will consciously notice the lens of judgment I put on myself and others. What can you do today?

A New Paradigm

When life gets hard, really gut wrenching bad, we make a change, whatever change calls to us the loudest, whichever one is causing the most pain. It can be a career change, a new job, ending a relationship, or moving across the country- we have been engrained to our core to change the state of our circumstances rather than the state of our being.

It is written in the Constitution, and we have heard it repeated countless times, that we have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness...It has been hailed by so many our whole existence, that to question it, to dig deeper, feels distinctly un-patriotic. But it is time to dig a little deeper into this human right and see how it might be crippling our ability to change the paradigm of happiness that we have oft repeated. Happiness seems like the key word here but it is neatly hidden in a preposition, unable to stand alone to make a complete sentence. It is entirely dependent on the word pursuit, which actually creates its own mini-statement. The constitution gives us the right to pursue. One definition of pursuit is an effort to secure or obtain. Synonyms include : chase, hunt, search, preoccupation, inclination. It says we have the right to the pursuit, the chase, the catch 'em if we can philosophy of your average stalker. And everyday, we arm ourselves for the chase, the hunt, the search and more often than the constitution would probably like to admit, we come up empty handed.

We currently live in a culture of Do Have Be*, which basically states if I do something (work hard) I will have something (lots of money) I will be this way (happy). It is essentially the modern work ethic of our parents and grandparents and goes back to a very strong philosophy contained in the origins of our American legacy. It is the right to do anything you want and therefore, attain that which your work fairly rewards. It is a meritocracy based on doing as much as you can and ending up at the end with a pay day. We are basically trained to be terribly suspicious of anyone who has not worked up the ladder, and overly enchanted by the lore of the those who have "pulled themselves up by their bootstraps".

Now consider the Be Do Have paradigm which distinctly and irrevocably reverses the order: to (be) happy, to (do) that which you love, and (have) abundance. It is long documented that material abundance is much more enjoyable and worthwhile when we already have love and peace of mind. True abundance happens when we are living this principle of being in a state of happiness, and accepting that which comes our way because of our magnetism for life. The chances that we take when we expect to work hard to find happiness are too great. How much easier to just live in the state which you were previously pursuing, thus having already won at the game of life. If we are trying to work so hard to get the things we need to maybe find the feelings we imagine are there, we are playing an enormous game of chance with our lives.

So if you are going to work hard at something, work at this- find your peace of mind, your place of happiness, and learn to ignore your detractors, as well meaning as they prove to be. There will always be someone from the old school of thinking who will tell you that when you are in conflict you need to do something, change your circumstance, fill your time, work hard at a job, and pursue your happiness. It is these times of temptation to turn back to this old paradigm that is ill fitted to a new world to go deep inside yourself and tap your untold abundance. Remember it may feel easier to change your circumstances than your state of being, but circumstances are short lived and last only long enough to remind us again that it is we who need to change from the inside out, not the outside in.

*There are many references to the Be Do Have principle. I most recently read about it in Shortcut to a Miracle, in which it properly references the origins.